The final countdown to baby is on. Within the next couple of weeks our family of two-point-something will become a family of three.
I’m not scared of labor. I always figured I would be. When my sister in law went into labor with my nephew many years ago she admitted to me that she was terrified and just wanted it over with. I thought I would feel the same, but I don’t. I feel very zen about labor: baby girl and I have to go through it to be together, so we will. That’s that.
Pregnancy is such an emotional time, full of hormonal peaks and valleys. I’ve been experiencing them a lot lately.
Prior to this pregnancy my life looked like this:
TEENS – Lost my virginity at 17, worked very hard from that point on to prevent pregnancy.
20s – Dated a lot but was always very careful when it came to birth control. Was husband hunting but wanted a good man who would also be a good father.
30s – Ended a long term relationship, decided to become a cat lady, then met the man who would be my husband when I was 32. We started trying to have children while we were dating but were unsuccessful. This continued after we were married and we received inconclusive fertility testing when I was in my mid-30s so we gave up on having children.
38 – Almost 39! I got pregnant totally out of the blue, just after starting a new job. I was terrified and then thrilled. And then we lost the baby at 15 weeks gestation due to a major structural defect. Devastated, we started trying again right away.
39 – Got pregnant with our current Little Miss, and I have since turned 40. She’ll be here soon.
Prior to my pregnancy at 38, I never thought I would be a mother. It was something that really rankled me, something that separated me from almost all of my female friends and from all of my female family members. I felt like a childless mother, and with the loss of my very much wanted pregnancy I knew that is what I was.
It has been a long road from there to here. I am so grateful for every step of this pregnancy, from the nail-biting testing days to the sleepless nights when she won’t stop kicking. There are no words to describe just how much this experience has meant to me. I have always wanted to be this hugely pregnant woman with a life growing inside her, and now I am.
Every little thing makes me cry. Her memory book arrived in the mail the other day and sent me into sobs. When I was at my 35 week OB appointment and had to sign the paperwork authorizing the doctor to deliver the baby, I cried. Seeing the baby’s stroller and car seat sitting out in the garage waiting for her little self makes me cry.
This is Actually Happening. I’m about to be a mom. Wow.