Overwhelming

The final countdown to baby is on.  Within the next couple of weeks our family of two-point-something will become a family of three.

I’m not scared of labor.  I always figured I would be.  When my sister in law went into labor with my nephew many years ago she admitted to me that she was terrified and just wanted it over with.  I thought I would feel the same, but I don’t.  I feel very zen about labor: baby girl and I have to go through it to be together, so we will.  That’s that.

Pregnancy is such an emotional time, full of hormonal peaks and valleys.  I’ve been experiencing them a lot lately.

Fetus at 38 weeks after fertilization 3D Pregn...

Fetus at 38 weeks after fertilization 3D Pregnancy(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Prior to this pregnancy my life looked like this:

TEENS – Lost my virginity at 17, worked very hard from that point on to prevent pregnancy.

20s – Dated a lot but was always very careful when it came to birth control.  Was husband hunting but wanted a good man who would also be a good father.

30s – Ended a long term relationship, decided to become a cat lady, then met the man who would be my husband when I was 32.  We started trying to have children while we were dating but were unsuccessful. This continued after we were married and we received inconclusive fertility testing when I was in my mid-30s so we gave up on having children.

38 – Almost 39!  I got pregnant totally out of the blue, just after starting a new job.  I was terrified and then thrilled.  And then we lost the baby at 15 weeks gestation due to a major structural defect.  Devastated, we started trying again right away.

39 – Got pregnant with our current Little Miss, and I have since turned 40.  She’ll be here soon.

Prior to my pregnancy at 38, I never thought I would be a mother.  It was something that really rankled me, something that separated me from almost all of my female friends and from all of my female family members.  I felt like a childless mother, and with the loss of my very much wanted pregnancy I knew that is what I was.

It has been a long road from there to here.  I am so grateful for every step of this pregnancy, from the nail-biting testing days to the sleepless nights when she won’t stop kicking.  There are no words to describe just how much this experience has meant to me.  I have always wanted to be this hugely pregnant woman with a life growing inside her, and now I am.

Every little thing makes me cry.  Her memory book arrived in the mail the other day and sent me into sobs.  When I was at my 35 week OB appointment and had to sign the paperwork authorizing the doctor to deliver the baby, I cried.  Seeing the baby’s stroller and car seat sitting out in the garage waiting for her little self makes me cry.

This is Actually Happening.  I’m about to be a mom.  Wow.

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